A usual before I rush out of the house, I would randomly grab a book to read on my way to work. This time it was a book by Michelle McKinney Hammond. The first page I flip open to gave me a surprise=) "The Importance of Character". How timely I thought as Pastor has been emphasizing it. I read it in a different light. Things I thought I knew, to realised actually i've not really understood it. If I had, I would not have fall for the guys I had in my younger days;) maybe even crying for them even when I don't really know them. I was purely falling for their looks & personality. Jesus has grow me through all this. What matters to Jesus matters to me now because I matter to him. I hope he'll open your eyes too to this. It's long though..my hands are numb from typing..hehe if this speaks to you, it's worth it. It'll change your love life. You'll grow together with someone you love & respect=)
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There is a difference between character & personality. The Bible says much about character & little about personality because God has predetermined that everyone's personality should be different. He delights in our uniqueness. Be true to your personality. If you are naturally humorous person, you should not try to become a quiet, serious person. Doing that would be incongruent to the way you were created. On the other hand, if you happen to be quiet, serious type, you should leave the funny stuff to someone else.
Clearly personality is important to attraction, more important than physical attraction, but personality alone fails to tell us enough about the inward person to make an informed decision. The elements of attraction(such as appearance and personality) that are important when we first meet someone will not be as important as the information we out later. I(Joel) have friend telling me all the time about woman they would like to meet. The first thing I think about--but the last thing I ask--is how does she look? I don't want to appear carnal, shallow, or immature, but this really is the first thought that does to mind. I'm still growing in this area, but I do understand that, though attraction is important, the features that initially attract me to a woman are the least important in qualifying her marriage.
Remember our root issue is wholeness. Lack of wholeness can cause us to be attracted to a person for the wrong reasons. If you don't know who you are, and you're looking for someone to complete you, you will be looking for features in him that you lack yourself or for qualities that you feel will give you validation with others. For example, you may desire someone really good looking, not because you are especially attracted to him, but because being on his arms wins you acceptance. In other words, you're telling yourself that you must be okay if this good-looking man wants you. (Perhaps this is why women sometimes beg physically attractive men not to leave them. If the man leaves, the woman thinks her value is walking out the door.) You may be overly attracted to men with means if you have struggled financially. Or you may fix your attraction on someone whose occupation would give you instant status--like a politician, a famous person, or a successful pastor--if your destiny seems vague. Looks, money, and power can be attractive, but with God as your provider, you don't need a husband for those things.
Even your own neediness can push you to be attracted to someone whom, under normal circumstances, you wouldn't give the time of day. If you haven't eaten for a while, a cracker can have the appeal of filet mignon, so don't be fooled by attractions while you are in a needy state.
All these deficiencies in people can play into attraction, so we need to have a strong sense of who we are. Proverbs 27:7 says that "honey seems tasteless to a person who is full, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry"(NLT). the same verse can apply to married too. A married man who is satisfied may find a woman attractive without feeling attracted to her because he is already fulfilled with his wife.
Look now at your list of attractions. You will notice that you could have everything on that list and still be unhappy. The impression we have of a person in the early stages of meeting him does not give us enough information to consider that person for the long haul. There is another picture that we need to be concerned with, and that is the person's character. When we study the etymology of the word character, we find that it means "picture" or "image". The person's character is the photograph of he inward person. Man is a spirit, has a soul, and lives in a body. The spirit and the soul make up the inner man, the real person.
You have known a person for a long time, you really don't see their appearance as much as you see their appearance as much as you see the real person. Think about a person in your life who is really good person. When you think about him, you think about his characteristics. He is faithful, loyal, a person you can depend on, and a person who has come through for you when you really needed him. Although he may not be overly attractive on the outside, you think of him fondly. We can take this a step further and infer that, as your affection for him grew, he began to appear more and more attractive to you.
On the other hand, there may have been a person in your life who was attractive on the outside but turned on you. He may have deceived you, betrayed you, and let you down. He may have ultimately ended up being a bad person for you. When you think of this person, you don't see a a beautiful person. You see an ugly person because the photograph you now have is of the inward person, the one you had to deal with, not the one you originally saw.
Learn how to identify good character. Proverbs 31 will help describes a certain virtuous woman. The author praises her attributes while never mentioning her looks, and he concludes his tribute to her in part by saying, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised"(31:30). So if a woman (or a man) fears the Lord, she will be a person of great character with wonderful, desirable attributes. Galations 5:22-23 gives us another photograph of good character:"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and slef-control."
What is going on inside a person is the most important factor you consider marrying someone. You do not marry the outward person; you marry the inward man. If he has a bad character, your chances of being happy with him are slim to none. Faithfulness is the cornerstone of character. Marry someone without character means at least you can't count on him. Ask yourself, too, whether the person is a loving person. One of the worst things you can ever do is marry a selfish person. Imagine submitting to someone who puts you last. And does the person have his own source of joy, of do you constantly have to cheer him up, pump him up, and encourage him? When we talked about disappointment earlier in the book, it had to do with setting an appointment by yourself. If you set an appointment with a person of bad character, you schedule yourself a disappointment.
Some women have what we call a "broken chooser". They choose based upon attraction and overlook the inward picture. Disrespect, disloyalty, laziness, inconsistentcy, and impatience are ignored because of her attraction to a man. Your chooser must be adjusted so that you do not focus on the aspects that attract you to the person. You must not allow what your heart and hormones feel to override what your mind sees and comprehends of the person's character.
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